Life, Relationships, Kids, Surfing and Dirtbikes

Respect

2012-02-01T12:58:00.003+08:00

I will balance respect for myself with respect for others.

Dead or Alive

2012-02-01T11:53:00.001+08:00

Be dead or be alive do not be the living dead.

Frustration

2012-01-31T05:19:00.000+08:00

Frustration equals the distance between who I am and who I want to be.

African Mumma Butt

2012-01-28T09:53:00.003+08:00

African bubble butt mumma. So natural with her brood of small children. Skinny Asian girl and guy. Their baby seems like a foreign object disrupting there personal skinny butt life.

Happy Passing Time

2012-01-28T09:39:00.003+08:00

It seems I maybe happy now. Why is that? Has so much changed? Maybe not much on the outside but quite a bit on the inside. Looking out over the departure lounge. So many people noisily checking in and moving around. Couples, families and singles. I have previously checked in as all three! I can live anywhere as anyone anytime.

I could be happy as a single fat 60 year old with a bad limp and a Thai hooker and white hair sticking out the back of my singlet. I could be happy as a dad making his beautiful baby girl do beautiful baby girl giggles. I could be happy as a 50 year old well dressed cold business man. I could be happy as a 40 year old with a 30 year old smiling girlfriend on his arm. I could be happy as a 41 year old sitting here by myself, thinking, passing time waiting for my flight.

100% Happy

2012-01-28T09:19:00.002+08:00

The water was the same temperature as the air around, 29 degrees. The water was blue but clear. There was no wind. The waves were small but the shape was better than average. My girlfriend was surfing nearby. She was surfing without my help now. A short time before we had made amazing love. She was very happy. We often smiled across to each other. I was 100% happy.

choosing a better life for both of us

2012-01-28T04:37:00.004+08:00

I am making you unhappy because of the difficulties of my life involving my exwife and kids. I am a caring type person who wants to make people happy. If i am making you unhappy then I feel terrible. That is not the life I want. I want to be happy and make the people around me happy as much as possible. I do not see this changing except getting worse when we have a baby. I can not give the attention that is needed. I will be run off my feet and still not making people happy I do not want to choose that life. I believe that my life could be much better and I hope someone can make you more happy than I can and give you the things you dream of.

Life Perspective

2011-12-18T23:38:00.002+08:00

Nothing like the fear of death to put life into perspective.

Why do we invest so much into our future lives when it can end at anytime without notice?

Try to enjoy the journey even though it may end very soon. It is all just a matter of time anyway.

I wrote this on my air sick bag on a fairly recent flight into Tokyo during a typhoon.

Another thought I had just now is that the reason we invest so much into our future lives may be that we subconsciously know that life does not end with the end of our physical life. So we are preparing for something more long term and therefore worthy of the long term invsestment.

Passed Away

2011-12-14T06:05:00.002+08:00

A man has passed away today. A mn who called me his son. A man who asked me to sit next to him as he put his hand on mine and tried to comfort me and fix things that we could not fix. A man who loved his family endlessly. A man who could still smile on seeing his grandchildren. A man who hugged and cried. I hope your pain has now ended and you are now with god and you can have some comfort. I miss you and love you.

Resolved

2011-11-29T18:47:00.002+08:00

Have I now resolved everything? You thought that if you resolved that and that and that you would have no excuse to be unhappy or worried. You have now resolved these things. What is left to not be happy or worried about? On top of all of this you have found an amazing girl who is perfect for you and wants to marry you.

A problem of Fear not Trust

2011-11-29T18:45:00.003+08:00

Fear of putting control of my life into the hands of another. I am scared that you may not be the perfect person that you show to me. I want to see behind your polite facade. I want to feel what you feel when you are curled up crying in your bed. I want to know all of you.

Love, Marriage and Divorce

2011-11-29T18:29:00.002+08:00

Is there something wrong with planning for divorce at the same time as planning for marriage?

Relationships and Power

2011-11-29T18:21:00.002+08:00

Do I need to be fearful of giving away my power to have a serious relationship? This maybe my problem not the problem of relationships. Maybe personal power does not need to be given up in a relationship and in any event risk is an unavoidable part of living. I should not fear risk in living. To not risk anything is to lose everything.

Shaking my Dad's Hand

2011-09-21T09:16:00.002+08:00

Lately I have been doing quite a bit of mechanical work on my 4WD. The toolbox and many of the tools I use were my dad's. As a lay under my car undoing bolts the oily smell reminds me of times proudly working with my dad. His tools transfer a beautiful energy into me.

After a few days of mechanical work my hands are slightly oil stained and my knuckles have a few small cuts. As I clasped my hands together my hands feel stronger and bigger with a thicker skin but still soft. I feel that I am shaking my dad's hand and it feels good.

I am Man

2011-09-21T09:10:00.002+08:00

A girl of my taste leans forward slightly to inspect the restaurant breakfast menu. Her baggy short shorts rise slightly exposing the soft rounded crease where her delightful leg meets her even more delightful buttock. For a moment my world becomes that crease. As my mind returns to my airport restaurant seat I pondered how easily my thoughts can be hijacked by the sight of a beautiful woman.

Should I be ashamed of such improper thoughts? Or is it ok to appreciate such a by chance beautiful sight to a man's eye? Could there ever have been a time in history or could there be in the future to be ashamed of admiring a misty mountain sunrise?

Delayed at Changi Airport

2011-09-21T09:01:00.002+08:00

Typhoon Roke has delayed my flight to Tokyo. Luckily though I am at Changi airport, the best airport in the world. International people do not rush here. They stroll and enjoy the surroundings and soothing background music adding to the relaxed and stylish atmosphere. Now that I have finished my complimentary breakfast I will stretch out on a comfortable bench and have a nap.

Light or Dark?

2011-09-06T05:45:00.013+08:00

How can so many find so much darkness and ugliness in a world filled with such beauty and light? Perhaps the more important question is why do they search for it? Are some people like black holes perpetually trying to suck the beauty and light from the world and turn into darkness, while others are like suns illuminating the beauty? They say nothing can escape a black hole, not even light. I disagree. My light can not be drawn into your darkness. Just like a square peg can not be drawn into a round hole. I can look at you with curiosity and without fear.

An Old Soul With a Child Spirit?

2011-07-20T00:10:00.004+08:00

I slide slowly on my tummy on the sparse dishevelled backyard lawn. Our family cat beside me as we hunt grasshoppers. A small light brown grasshopper camouflaged in the lawn moves slightly. Our hunter eyes focus on this small creature. This time we pounce before he hops and it is the end of his life.

As I lay there on the lawn I look closely at a few square centimetres of ground. I begin to notice a world I could not see before. The sparse sandy lawn was full of life. Small ants going about their business, some beetles and other small insects. I notice the different shapes and sizes and colours of the grains of sand and grass leaves in various states of decomposition.

Slowly moving my gaze upwards I see the enormity of the backyard. I moved to a new position on the lawn and again began to stare at a few square centimetres of ground. Again I began to be able to see a busy little world of ants, beetles and insects. I lay my cheek to the lawn and my eyes follow an ant for a while. Trying to see where he is going and to understand the purpose of his journey. I soon lose him in the busy little world traffic.

I pondered the vastness of life going on in my backyard. I thought of the enormous park down the road and wondered if it had the same richness of life in each square centimetre.

I was feeling good and the grass was a perfect temperature and texture on my body and cheek and the sun and gentle breeze made perfect sensations of a sunny warmth on my skin and through my clothes.

When I pursue calmness and peace and happiness I often try to recall that day and those feelings. It was a time when I feel my wise old soul with a child spirit was most visible to me.

As I now look down from my window seat to the cities and towns and villages below I again ponder the beautiful vastness and richness of life on earth.

Life Direction

2011-07-19T23:58:00.002+08:00

One can not find a life direction in oneself from a vacuum of influences. Ones life direction is ones responses to influence.

Hopefully you can free your spirit to choose those responses without fear or favour.

For me, my spirit is guided by an inherent feeling of duty to life, loved ones, myself and the world. I hope one day to replace the word duty with the word love.

A Poo Bear Moment

2011-07-19T23:46:00.003+08:00

My 9 year old daughter was a little lost after trying on clothes in a department store. When she found me she said "I knew you were here. I just didn't know where here was."

A Message To My Son

2011-07-19T23:40:00.002+08:00

The most enjoyable way to have a positive influence is with a gentle helping hand. I will offer you help, which you are welcome to accept. If you do not accept my help I am equally happy. I am here for you in anyway you want me to be and I understand that it is your life and I will not frustrate you and me by telling you what to do with it. I love you.

Stars

2011-05-09T12:01:00.002+08:00

I can love and cherish like no other. She has taken the future I thought I had, and she will not allow me a new future. All I can have is my love for the beautiful light of the world, too bright to be smothered by her darkness.

On a dark night the stars shine bright. The stars continue to shine behind the darkest, most fierce storm clouds, always to reappear undisturbed. I love and cherish my brief flicker of life under those beautiful eternal stars.

Herself

2011-04-23T11:28:00.000+08:00

The cries of her baby were an intolerable distraction from herself.

Drowning

2011-03-30T23:55:00.001+08:00

When I am drowning I believe that my last thoughts will be of love, not of air.

Genuine

2011-03-30T23:14:00.003+08:00

As genuine as an automated computer generated happy birthday email. Yet strangely she also made me feel good.

Child Spirit

2011-02-26T15:35:00.003+08:00

Our most important job is to protect, nurture and strengthen the spirits of our children. Our children's best hope for a happy and full life is to enter adulthood with a positive, enquiring, robust and loving spirit.

A Beautiful World

2011-02-20T23:00:00.001+08:00

Can you see the beauty of the forest through the trees?

Success

2011-02-01T23:10:00.002+08:00

You do not need to succeed. You already are success. Success is not gotten or taken or lost, it is you. See it, feel it, enjoy it.

31st December 2010

2011-01-23T22:41:00.003+08:00

The waves I surfed as the sun set on another decade. I am too lucky.

Peaceful Protest

2011-01-23T22:37:00.000+08:00

2011-01-23T22:11:00.001+08:00

Taiwan

2011-01-23T21:57:00.002+08:00

Choking on Wealth

2010-12-18T15:15:00.004+08:00

The west is choking on its own wealth with obesity and depression becoming prevalent. The wealth is enabled by a global slavery hidden from the fat consumers by distance and oceans and self gaurded semi conscious ignorance. The perpetual energy for the system powered by perceptions of status and selfish greed.

Fat Aussie Chicks

2010-12-11T16:52:00.002+08:00

It was the first really hot day of spring and I took the kids down to a popular sheltered beach. There many many people on the sand and in the water and I was amazed that nearly everyone was fat. From small children to the elderly. They moved so awkwardly until they were in deep enough water to float their heavy bodies.

Ooooommmmm

2010-12-11T16:41:00.002+08:00

A new thing I tried today was Yoga in a nice city park. Previously I had almost been a closet yogi. But today I even carried my Yoga mat through the city with the other students. Maybe it felt a little similar to a Yoga Pride march. I almost even felt comfortable enough to sound the oooommmm with the teacher and 1 or 2 other students.

Verge of Happiness

2010-12-11T16:37:00.001+08:00

Now that I have my mind, body and spirit I feel that I am on the verge of a much greater happiness.

Team Effort

2010-12-07T09:30:00.002+08:00

Thankfully in my family, life is a team effort. These last few years I feel that I have been contributing less to the team than I have been receiving.

Family

2010-11-23T10:04:00.002+08:00

The depth of my family's warmth and love and pleasures from the simplest things continues to astound me but never surprises me.

Saving

2010-11-23T09:58:00.002+08:00

All my life I have been saving for something in the future but I seemed to have forgotten what that something is. It reminds of a saying I once heard which goes something like this "I spent my life climbing the ladder and when I have reached the top I realised that I was on the wrong ladder."

Tran Hung

2010-11-14T08:01:00.002+08:00

Tran Hung climbed awkwardly in sparkling stilettos up the steep stairs of the Saigon nightclub. His wide flat village feet sculptured from a life of barefooted work and play with water buffalo and chickens and climbing coconut trees in muddy rice fields.

Henry

2010-11-08T23:28:00.001+08:00

Tonight I heard that Henry has passed away. May all the love and happiness he gave to this world be returned to him in the next.

No Need to Resolve

2010-10-21T03:45:00.002+08:00

Trouble sleeping for the second consecutive night. Many unresolved personal and work issues whizzing around in my head seeking resolution. I feel like a robot with too many unresolvable issues to solve waving its arms madly like in "Lost in Space" saying "Does not compute........ does not compute...........does not compute......." until it emits smoke and sparks and shuts down.

I am trying to calm my mind by telling it to accept that not all issues can be resolved, well not right now at least, and if they can be resolved it will happen at the appropriate time and is best achieved with a calm mind.

Also to accept calmly that resolved issues often unresolve themselves and new issues will continually arise. It is simply the nature of life.

Henry

2010-10-20T01:01:00.003+08:00

His wide bony shoulders the only remnants of this once wide set heavily built man. His fragile skeleton held precariously together by unseen frayed tendons and worn cartilage. He moved along the ageing suburban footpath at a rate of one small step every minute or so. His walking stick keeping him upright.

"Henry?" I called from a slight distance so as not to startle him and with a questioning tone, not sure if this was the man I remembered from my childhood. As I approached he lifted his head and dark skin sagged from his skeleton face. He peered at me through his thick glasses and smiled and said "Hello handsome". I smiled back.

Beautiful Day Number 9551

2010-10-09T23:45:00.002+08:00

When I am surfing by myself I often seem to sing "Time for a Cool Change" by The Little River Band

Do Not Feel Afraid

2010-10-02T08:59:00.002+08:00

Do not feel afraid my child spirit. I will care for you. I am returning to you and can look after you now. My greatest happiness can be through you. I am you. I love you.

Happiness

2010-10-01T23:15:00.003+08:00

Laugh

2010-09-22T22:55:00.002+08:00

When I think back I laugh at how stupid I was. In the future I will laugh at how stupid I am now.

The Bar

2010-08-29T00:03:00.003+08:00

The bar was full of smiles and soul music. Her smile shone extra brightly, fuelled by her insanity.

Beautiful Day Number 9347

2010-08-23T14:24:00.003+08:00

I sit on my board looking out to sea feeling a cool very light breeze on the side of my face. The water is clear and I can see the reef and small fish below me. A small nice little swell moves towards me. I turn and paddle and I'm up. I glide across the water, the beautiful reef below and above a blue sky with white clouds crafted by a master artist. I am in paradise. I am too lucky.

A Prayer for You

2010-08-13T11:12:00.002+08:00

Bubble Boy

2010-08-13T10:56:00.002+08:00

The Oasis

2010-07-28T23:26:00.000+08:00

The Desert

2010-07-28T23:23:00.000+08:00

Can You See Your Rainbow?

2010-07-28T21:59:00.003+08:00

Driving my children to school this morning we saw a brightly coloured rainbow. As we drew closer we could see the end of the rainbow lighting up a house in beautiful rainbow colours. As we continued to get closer the rainbow faded away. I thought to myself that the people in the house would have had no idea that the rainbow was shining on them.

Perhaps from another's perspective the rainbow was now shining on us. We can never see a rainbow shining on ourselves with our eyes.

I thought about rainbows and their connotations of happiness and beauty and a sense of blessing and luck. I thought how chasing rainbows maybe like chasing happiness. Rainbows seem to shine on others and as we chase those rainbows they stay in the distance or fade away.

I thought perhaps rainbows are always shining on us and happiness is always within us. To see the rainbow however we must look within and to feel happiness we must look within.

All we are and can be is inside us. By chasing other's rainbows we are running away from ourselves and in doing so we are running away from the only place we can truly find happiness.

Unchanging Spirit

2010-07-13T22:43:00.002+08:00

My mind and body grows and matures and ages. My spirit is a white light. My spirit is unchanging and unchangeable. My spirit is me. It is what it is from the moment of conception until death, and perhaps infinitely before and after.

Last Night's Dream

2010-06-30T23:09:00.003+08:00

A small old house with a small front yard just large enough for two graves. On one side was my Father's Father's grave who had died 50 years before I was born. On the other side was my Father's Sister's grave who died around 10 years ago. I had only met her a couple of times when she was very old. She looked like a female version of my Father. Separating the two graves was a path leading to the front door of the house.

For some reason not in our control the house had to go and we had to move the graves. My Father who was standing with me had died 15 years ago. He made me feel some comfort as he always had despite this emotional task that we must undertake. Which involved me digging up his Father followed by his Sister.

I moved the flat smooth stones above my Grandfather's grave with a long handled spade. Carefully sliding the spade under the stones I lifted the stones exposing his bones like lifting an old slab exposing ant tunnels beneath.

I slid the spade under his skull and gently lifted it and placed it next the grave. Next was he rib cage and spine. I slid he spade under and lifted the bones and placed them next the skull. I was surprised by the stench and the mass of maggots squirming in his still decomposing back part of his chest.

I felt that I was being a little disrespectful by being slightly repulsed by the smell. I was also surprised that his body was still decomposing after so long.

I was then awoken by a noise.

The dream didn't feel like a nightmare. As always I feel comfort to dream of my Father. I also had a nice feeling about dreaming of my Grandfather who I had never met but still admire even though I know almost nothing about him.

I believe the dream was about me moving on in my life. The spade related to some gardening I had done at my house the day before to get it ready for sale. The still decomposing body related to the unpleasantness that still needs to be gone through before moving on and that I should not let that unpleasantness spoil my appreciation of what has already been a good life.

Behaviour, Thoughts and Feelings

2010-06-20T22:03:00.005+08:00

I must have read it somewhere but had forgotten it. An idea that particular behaviours result in particular thoughts which in turn result in particular feelings. In theory therefore we can control our feelings because we can control our behaviour.

Conversely we have no control over how we feel if we believe that we are at the mercy of random feelings that seem to enter us without invitation. This is a scary situation if we believe this.

I believe we have control to an extent but with a bit of time lag. We often find ourselves feeling down but often we can quite quickly fix that.

Anyway this was something that came to my mind this morning when I was feeling "down".

Then this afternoon I took the kids rollerskating. We had a fantastic time and I felt so happy. We went to the "Rollerdrome". Their claim to fame is that they have been operating for 30 years. The place is so retro. But not the cool, clean, artificial retro. Its retro because there have been no upgrades or renovations for 30 years. That's the kind of retro I like.

There were great photos on the walls of skaters with trophies from the 80's. There also seems to be a rollerskating style of music which is so cool (while your rollerskating anyway). There were so many different people of all abilities and inabilities and styles and ages ranging from 4 to maybe nearly 80! Everyone had smiles on their faces. It was so much fun and I was feeling so "up". Such a contrast to how I was feeling in the morning.

After rollerskating we ended a great day by playing tennis.

Possession and Jealousy

2010-06-15T05:18:00.003+08:00

Entering a relationship. Do you begin to see your woman as a possession to be jealously guarded? Do you worry that your woman is faithful to you? How can you enjoy your woman if you have feelings of mistrust? Our experiences from the past teach us about what may happen in the future. What if the previous experience teaches you mistrust? There can be no point in a relationship if there is mistrust because you would be less happy than being single. Can being in a relationship result in greater happiness than being single? Do the complications of a relationship outweigh the occasional feelings of loneliness of being single? The answer is I do not know. A solution can be to never enter a relationship. Another solution would be to be open to a relationship in the knowledge that you will not be dependent on that relationship for happiness and that you can end the relationship if it is not resulting in greater happiness than being single.

A Melancholy Joy

2010-06-05T12:15:00.006+08:00

Heavy dark clouds hanging above the ocean are gently but relentlessly being pulled downwards, stretched in hazy dark arcs. Little white fluffy clouds float playfully and effortlessly above the land. Above me the narrow blue sky stretches endlessly along the shoreline.

I sit on my surfboard in the glassy calm water between the large melancholy dark clouds and the joyous little white clouds. The cool water cleanses me. I paddle into a little wave. I glide along its surface. My body moves without instruction and I briefly enter a tube. I feel that I am playing with, and almost making love with natures energy as she reveals herself to me in brief pulses as the swells become waves.

I become surrounded by little circles as rain drops lazily land in the water around me. The rain drops momentarily attempt to bounce back to the sky, surprised by the strange feel of the ocean. They then contently descend again as they recall their beautiful place of origin.

I feel so lucky as nature shows me a new emotion of the blissful coexistence of melancholy and joy. My spirit feels at home and energised as I join with all the beautiful energy surrounding me.

Hello Spirit

2010-06-02T20:41:00.003+08:00

My vehicle is my mind and body.
My spirit is me and I am the driver.
Love is my path and destination.

My spirit is good and happy.
My spirit can be hurt but always heals.
The white light of my spirit can never be altered.

I am aligning my mind, body and spirit for their greatest potential.
My body and mind are finite my spirit is infinite.
They are joined and they are apart. All is good.

Lovers and Fighters

2010-05-29T00:06:00.004+08:00

Today was a big day for me because I had a mediation conference to settle financial assets with my ex-wife. It was a very interesting experience because it gave me such an insight into human characters. My ex-wife is a fighter and I am a lover. The fighter must feel they win the battle, in this case financial settlement. The lover acts from love and does not see a battle. The lover did not feel bad about getting less financially, the lover feels good that he knows he needs nothing. The lover feels lucky that he will always be surrounded by love and a little sad that the fighter will always be surrounded by fighting.

But this was not my darkest day and the darkest is probably yet to come

2010-05-26T21:55:00.002+08:00

The rain drenched my cold skin as I rode my bicycle through the rain already late for work.

Sitting on the cold train platform I ponder how I could easily throw myself in front of the next express train rushing past as so many have done before me. It would be an easy end to this suffering. But my destiny, I hope is a long one. There will be much more suffering to endure and much more happiness to experience.

To give happiness to my children and to guide them to a happy life. Its what every parent wants and I am alive and can do it. I also must remember that I can not make them happy if I am not happy. I could only give them safety and a calm logic. They would benefit from more and so would I. What a lovely symbiotic relationship of happiness.

Old faces on the train. What are the memories behind them? What are the memories you want behind your old face? Obviously as much happiness and love as possible. ( Diary entry July 2008)

The World is Beautiful

2010-05-14T22:24:00.001+08:00

Sometimes it doesn't seem to be. But it is :)

More to Learn

2010-05-12T22:28:00.002+08:00

I feel strangely contented by the realisation that there is more to learn than could ever be learned.

Healing Air

2010-05-10T22:11:00.005+08:00

I inhaled heavily through my nostrils. I tasted the fresh air as it entered me and spread throughout my mind and body healing every cell. I felt at home amongst the Kangaroos, birds and lizards.

Utopia

2010-04-17T20:53:00.003+08:00

The world has all the ingredients to be a Utopia. The problem is us.

Dawn

2010-04-17T20:49:00.001+08:00

Fantastic waves and a beautiful dawn.

Dawn

2010-04-17T20:42:00.002+08:00

Dawn near Cowarumup Bay this morning.

Life

2010-04-15T22:45:00.000+08:00

Children are so full of life. Lets do our best to make it beautiful for them.

Bones in Heaven

2010-04-12T08:53:00.002+08:00

As I was waking up this morning my 7 year old son asks me "Do we have bones in Heaven?" He obviously thought if our bones remain in the ground how could they go to Heaven? I said "mmmmm I'm not sure. That is a good question." He comforted himself by saying that "even if we don't have bones he does'nt think we would be all floppy."

Lucky Dog

2010-04-12T08:51:00.002+08:00

My mums dog (named Lucky) has only had three legs for many years now. She is always happy, content and loving and never bitter. She also never worries about "What if I lose another leg?"

Hotel California

2010-03-26T09:51:00.003+08:00

A loud Australian voice behind me shouted "If she asks you to buy her a drink tell her to fuck off!!!"

I turned in my bar stool and saw a thin middle aged Pakistani looking man. His pointy rat face with greasy course black hair looked sinister and deviant. His long arrow of a nose divided his greasy overgrown moustache.

Could the voice had been his? I expected a cruel whispery voice from such a man. If it was him who was he talking to? Not the red lipsticked Indonesian girl sitting next to him with fatty flesh squeezing from her tiny red dress.

Smooth soft spider legs rubbed against mine. I turned to see a pretty face with eyes that had the power to see the strong primal sensations she was sending through me. Hotel California played just loud enough for an excuse to talk closely.

My Birthday

2010-03-26T09:33:00.002+08:00

Amazing luck!! I had a great time surfing Kuta Reef on my birthday. A few days later I was checking out the Baliwaves website and noticed that the surf report for 21 March was from Kuta Reef. I had a look at the photos from the report and many were of me!! This is one of those photos. The chances of being photographed for this very popular website on my birthday are just so incredible that I feel that some devine intervention must have been involved. I think about my father at times like these. If it was you thank you for the most amazing birthday present.

A Big Old Tree

2010-03-20T20:22:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I was going to write "Am I enlightened? No way. But I am more enlightened than yesterday and yesterday I was more enlightended than the day before ..." But now the night before my 40th birthday I feel I do not know anything. I feel that I am like the weather. Endlessly drifting around the globe and constantly changing with no known purpose. At the mercy of chaotic influences from the solar system and beyond. How I long to be a big old tree. Firmly rooted to the ground and secure in my purpose of constant growth.

Tom Jones

2010-03-17T15:59:00.002+08:00

While I was waiting in the customs line I noticed that Tom Jones was standing right next to me! I said how are you going? He smiled and said good.

A Horrific Ending

2010-03-13T16:36:00.003+08:00

Its been more than 100 days since rain has touched the dry hot sands of Perth. One by one the tiny ant bodies succumb to dehydration and pass away. The once prosperous colony is slowly dying.

But then a long distance scout returns. As he lay exhausted and near death he speaks of a far off place of moisture. Hope quickly spreads though the colony.

Scouts and workers set off to the place of moisture. After 2 days the ants peer out of a narrow crack into a brightly lite room. Close to them is an immense shiny structure out of which an enormous drop of water is released every three seconds.

The ants trip over in excitement running to the water. Then too late they realise they are standing in the wrong position. The immense drop lands on two ants. One is immediately carried away in a torrent down a black hole. The other with the help of his friends manages to find grip on the slippery ceramic surface and is frightened but safe. They peer down the black hole but there is no sign of their friend.

There is no time to mourn. They quickly establish a supply route carting water back to the colony. Every few hours they loose tens of their friends as water gushes and giant hands sweep them down the black hole. This is a sacrifice they make without question for their colony.

Days pass and everyone settles into their new routine.

Then an unnatural looking container emitting a sweet smell is noticed next to the supply route. The same scout who found the water investigates. A jack pot of sugar is found with some granules so large that it takes ten ants to carry them. The delicious granules are quickly transported back to the colony for a feast worthy of a great celebration.

The smiling laughing faces soon turn to faces of horror as the screams of their friends pierce the laughter. Quickly the laughter is replaced with screams of agony. Ants are deliriously running around bumping into each other. Horrifically their tiny torsos are collapsing before death releaves them of the unimaginable pain.

The hero scout ate last. He looks out over the tens of thousands of tiny gnarled bodies. He falls to ground wanting death to quickly take him away from this horror. As he lay there the smell of rain enters his nostrils and he screams.

Strip Joint

2010-03-06T23:43:00.002+08:00

After way too much beer I visited a strip joint with friends last night. The raw basic interplay between man and woman was very interesting. The women hypnotised the men into giving them money using sensual rhythmic movements. I'm quite sure these women then used the money to buy their sparkly impossible to walk in shoes which were never removed. A neat little cycle of supply and demand.

A Falling Star

2010-02-26T23:37:00.000+08:00

Tonight I saw a falling star. I wished for happiness for all.

Peace and Happiness

2010-02-23T23:30:00.004+08:00

Peace and happiness will come and go and return. I was quite amazed how at 12pm today I was feeling so good. Deeply inhaling the energising clean ocean air as I returned to harbour in my dinghy after a successful morning of fishing. By early evening my pleasant world was rattled after visiting my previous neighbour next door to the house I own with my ex wife. A druggie was watering the dead lawn I had once carefully levelled and made green. He incoherently expressed his dismay that his girlfriend (my ex wife) had been hiding out for the last few days. He told me not to worry about the house his mate will look after it. It shouldn't burn down. Luckily I do not need the material possessions I have earned in what seems like a previous life to be happy. I just need the ocean air and for my kids to be safe. Peace and happiness returns.

The Childrens Ward

2010-02-09T22:53:00.002+08:00

I am watching a documentry about victims of landmines. I will try to appreciate my life much more.

Can't Sleep

2010-02-05T00:43:00.003+08:00

I can't sleep because I am pissed off and that is making more pissed off. I had a belief that when you are pissed off it is actually derived from being pissed off about a failing in yourself incorrectly directed to some other external event.

I have also viewed anger as a negative emotion that should be ignored and replaced with a positive emotion. I have also rationalised the situation like "at least you have your health........ it could be much worse ....etc".

But fuck, there are simply evil, stupid, selfish people in this world that its seems justifiable to hate. I am also pissed off that they can invade my mind with negative thoughts of anger and hatred. Also there are terrible injustices in this world that justify anger.

I know these feelings will pass but I want them to pass more quickly. I am hoping that expressing them on this blog will help them pass more quickly and allow me to sleep and return to my normally pleasant and interesting dreams.

Monopoly Of My Life

2010-01-28T15:28:00.003+08:00

If my life were a game of Monoply the last card I drew would have said "Your wife becomes a drug addict. Give her all your money and return to Old Kent Road and stay there."

I Am Tiny I Am a Giant

2010-01-27T00:17:00.003+08:00

It is strange how being in an immense Tokyo crowd or alone on an isolated beach in Western Australia both give me a sense of my minuteness in time and space and yet also my enormity in the worlds of my children. I can not simply disappear into the crowds or the sands.

Honourable Japan

2010-01-26T23:58:00.002+08:00

I recently returned from a trip to Japan. There are many great things to say about Japan but I think the greatest thing is the culture. The people of Japan are so good and honourable and respectful. Although the cities are endless masses of concrete with enormous populations and we sometimes walked late at night from train stations in long underground walkways, I never once felt the slightest concern for our safety. Big city does not equal dangerous city.

My 8 year old daughter beautifully described the masses of people descending the stairs of a train station as an "avalanche of people". The greater metropolitan area of Tokyo has a larger population than the whole of Australia!

Beautiful Sunset in Hell

2009-12-05T15:11:00.001+08:00

Can there be a beautiful sunset in extreme poverty or war?

Missing the Point

2009-12-05T15:04:00.004+08:00

We get caught up too much in the detail of life and by doing so we miss the point. I'm not exactly sure of what the point is but I am sure that it is centered around love and happiness.

Simply Good

2009-11-24T12:55:00.006+08:00

I stood in a loose circle with the old Sicilian school gardener and two other fathers. We warmed ourselves by sipping the Sicilian's homemade vegetable soup from old ceramic bowls.

I felt an intense feeling of happy contentment as I viewed the new height adjustable basketball hoops that we had just spent the morning assembling.

The hoops will give happiness and health to many children for years to come. This small group of men sought no reward but were grateful for the tasty warm soup. There were no hidden corporate motives and as there were no woman present there were also no subconscious sexual motives.

It was all simple and good and the Sicilian's strong faith contributed to creating a quite Biblical scene in my mind.

A High Standard of Living

2009-10-26T04:59:00.001+08:00

His Baby is Gone

2009-10-22T16:58:00.005+08:00

Her dark wet eyes stared blankly across her parents neat wooden dinning table, her sickly father stood behind her and powerfully hugged her head. Every muscle in her face was tight with rage, her top lip curled and quivered, pulled by an invisible string.

To him, this 37 year old women was still his baby. She felt a flicker of a comforting distant emotional memory in his arms but he could no longer heal her. For 35 years she had filled her Father with pride and love and then suddenly she left her husband and became a drug addict. She is now possessed, her every action motivated by the need to satisfy her unsatisfiable drug habit.

Her ex-husband cried as he imagined himself hugging his 7 year old daughter. The hugs that for the time being at least could always comfort her, a hug that eventually quells the sobs, a hug that turns the sobbing into a teary smile. Not for her Father though. He has lost his baby.

She ate the wonderful curry that her mother had cooked. A recipe passed down through the generations of a poor but happy family village life in Bangladesh. As she ate she hissed abuse at her mother and father and ex-husband. She was oblivious to her children crying on the lounge room floor.

Her father a poor pensioner, emotionally and physically frail and close to death gave her what money he could. Emotional pressure inside him overflowed as blood oozed from his stomach bag staining is white, old worn t-shirt. She hissed abuse at him for being so stingy.

Her ex-husband also gave her money but he asked for a receipt. She hissed abuse at his coldness. Her mother offered her food to take. She hissed abuse at her for not offering money.

Her head nodded uncontrollably with anger, the finger of her lifted arm pointed as she hissed abuse at her mother, father and ex-husband for looking at her with judgemental eyes and talking to her in soft, calm condescending voices. "How dare you judge me like I am just a junkie."

She wanted the gold that her mother kept in her safe for her. Gold passed down to her from generations from that same poor village. Priceless sentimental heirlooms that were acquired at huge cost, long ago through years and years of her ancestors hard work. Enough to buy her drugs for a week. Her mother did not give her the gold.

She yelled at her ex-husband. Can you give me 5 fucking minutes alone with my kids!! He said sure and opened a door for the children to go with her alone into the formal lounge. She hissed again. "You see what I have to do!!! Instead of spending quality time with my kids I have to be fucking arguing with you. See what you fucking do!!! You fucking cunt!!!!"

Her ex-husband stood at the door trying not to look too calm and condescending but yet also submissive and not say anything that might enrage her. An impossibility.

Her 6 year old boy and 7 year girl attempted to comfort their sobbing and crying mother. An honourable yet impossible task. She cried into their arms. You two are the only reason I live. Without you I would kill myself.

Buy Drugs Buy Hapiness :)

2009-10-22T09:50:00.005+08:00

Special Offer - Buy $200 worth of ice and receive 24 hours of happiness. Costs increase with each subsequent 24 hours of happiness purchased. Part payment can be made in sex. Subsequent payments in sex reduce in value with depreciation of sexual attractiveness caused by drug use. Disclaimer - This offer is based on a 30 year contract or until death (please note that death will arrive earlier upon entering into this contract). Additional costs include your intelligence, logic, physical appearance, attractiveness, sense of style, your job, family home, your husband/wife and your children (including those arriving after entering into this contract). The cost of attempting to break this contract is extreme hate, anger and sadness. Please note that by entering into this contract you will make a contribution to the continued destruction of the world. Although your contribution is only a drop in the ocean towards the destruction of the world, know that to your loved ones (especially your children and your parents) you are the world.

Canola Fields

2009-10-21T10:28:00.004+08:00

2009-10-15T19:30:00.001+08:00

To be able to use my right arm

2009-10-15T09:33:00.001+08:00

I can not wait for the day when I can use my right arm.

Broken Colorbone

2009-10-14T05:46:00.000+08:00

Difficult to type because I am in a lot of pain and only have use of my left hand.

Silent Sounds

2009-10-08T15:50:00.002+08:00

Time for Life

2009-10-08T15:47:00.002+08:00

What is love?

2009-09-24T05:22:00.002+08:00

The eternal question. I have felt many types of love. I have felt a recent romantic love. A love without commitment or risk. Now I am heading towards love with committment and it scares me. I will be putting myself at risk. But I am driving the direction. Why am I heading for this when it is so scary? Does it need to be scary? Yes otherwise you are not really living. Too put my heart in the hands of another. I said I will not do this. I can give love without giving my heart? To give my heart would make me vunerable.

Standing in the way of myself

2009-09-24T05:18:00.004+08:00

Am I standing in the way of myself doing all the things in my life that I want to do? Why? Why have such commitment to others? Why not be more sellfish?

Nightmare of Jelousy

2009-09-24T04:51:00.001+08:00

I just woke from a nightmare.

It was my girlfreinds birthday. I had met her at a type of backpackers place that she was staying at. She left to get something or do something and I waited for her return. I was feeling good.

As I was waiting other guys started turning up. It seems also waiting for her to wish her happy birthday. One of the guys that seemed to be waiting for her was an old friend of mine from France who I had met backpacking.

I was talking to him. I had not yet told him that this girl was my girlfriend. Then he started to tell me how he knew her. About how he and her had travelled to an island in Indonesia. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable because I started thinking they must have had sex :(

Then he started saying. Oh and she is amazing at sex. She loves it. I started to try to say stop but could'nt talk. I held up my hands trying to say stop. He went on to say she takes it all. I could'nt talk so to stop him I spat in his face and punched him in the face but my punch was very week. I had no strength. I said she is my girlfreind.

His face changed to one of sympathy and sorro. He said he was sorry. That he did'nt know.

I walked away. I was feeling terrible. Worthless. Confused. Torn by an inner animal feeling of anger that she had sex with my freind and the logic that it was before me so it does not matter. I was feeling extremly disturbed, intense, sad and angry.

To enter into a relationship means risking something. It opens me to potential pain. I will be exposed to the possibilty of extreme pain. Emotional pain which is more painful than any possible physical injury and I am at the mercy of another person. I am not in control of preventing that pain coming to me. I am in the hands of another.

So not start a relationship to avoid the possibilty of emotional pain? This seems an impossibilty to me, I want romantic love in my life. It seems I must love. But loving someone puts me at risk of extreme pain. But that pain passes in time. But is does leave a permanent scar.

Together

2009-07-22T15:03:00.001+08:00

I just finished watching a Chinese movie called "Together". I had no idea what it was about when I started watching it. I just turned on the TV and it started and it caught my attention because it was based in China and I was wondering if it was from Shanghai which is where my Father grew up.

It was about a boy and his dedicated Father (who turns out not to be his natural Father) and the love between them and their honesty and goodness in a not always honest and good world. At the end of the movie I couldn't help but cry. The movie was so moving.

I now wonder why I cried. Do I relate to the boy or the Father or both? Or are the boy and the Father objects/symbols/tools to express the thing that really moved me which is love. Is love a chemical reaction in the brain? a movement of electrons causing an emotion? Or is it something that is like a spirit that moves in us and around us and connects with other spirits in and around others?

This spirit of love controls us in an unconscious way making us do things we do not understand, things that are illogical like crying over a movie. Doing things that dedicate us to our children and family and if we find the right person our lover.

We travel around the world for love. We work for love. We do everything for love. Love is the most powerful force in this world. We can touch it and see it and feel it in our interactions with our loved ones.

I suppose I could see love and feel love in the movie and that's why I cried.