It Seems We Do Not Change

It seems we do not change. I am now 39. I found some more writing scribbled in an old school book that I wrote when I was 16 years old.

The words are pretty much the same as I write today. It seems I have always seen myself as struggling against some difficult circumstance. In truth it is a struggle against myself.

I could sum up the parts of myself that I have always struggled with as fear and lethargy. In the past I have incorrectly labeled them as external challenges imposed on me, with the current external challenge being my ex-wife. The truth is though that the only thing between me and the best possible life I can live is myself.

The words I wrote back then in that school book were:

"Your life you can make it what you want. Don't waste time, life doesn't last forever. Don't be lonely. Always have someone. Be with someone who makes you feel good. Love is the maximum, always look for it. Time is all you've got. Do what you want, make yourself into what you want to be. Don't talk about it do it. Don't be so scared of dying that you never learn to live."

What I need to say to myself is that "I am in control of my life!!" again and again like a mantra. I will make it a prayer like the Muslims praying 5 times a day. Maybe that way I can change my internal way of thinking and be brave and make the most I possibly can of this short life.

Long Distance Relationship

How can it work? She literally lives 10000miles away. I must stay here to look after my kids. Could I leave my kids for 2 weeks? Would that be abandoning them? 2 weeks of fun with her but what would the impact be on my children? But maybe she will become my wife. She seems perfect.

The reason I can not go is because my children may not be safe with my ex-wife even though my mum will look after them for half the time. My ex-wife is crazy. I have separated from her but she is still controlling my life. I am letting her control my life. It must stop. I need to gain control over my life. She needs to get off the drugs or I want the kids full time. Then i can have control over their safety and then control over my life. If she is off the drugs then hopefully she will be able to act responsibly enough to take proper care of them when she has care of them.

Look at this. This blog and most of my blogs are centred around my ex-wife and the negative impact I continue to let her have on my life.