Thursday, September 24, 2009
What is love?
The eternal question. I have felt many types of love. I have felt a recent romantic love. A love without commitment or risk. Now I am heading towards love with committment and it scares me. I will be putting myself at risk. But I am driving the direction. Why am I heading for this when it is so scary? Does it need to be scary? Yes otherwise you are not really living. Too put my heart in the hands of another. I said I will not do this. I can give love without giving my heart? To give my heart would make me vunerable.
Standing in the way of myself
Am I standing in the way of myself doing all the things in my life that I want to do? Why? Why have such commitment to others? Why not be more sellfish?
Nightmare of Jelousy
I just woke from a nightmare.
It was my girlfreinds birthday. I had met her at a type of backpackers place that she was staying at. She left to get something or do something and I waited for her return. I was feeling good.
As I was waiting other guys started turning up. It seems also waiting for her to wish her happy birthday. One of the guys that seemed to be waiting for her was an old friend of mine from France who I had met backpacking.
I was talking to him. I had not yet told him that this girl was my girlfriend. Then he started to tell me how he knew her. About how he and her had travelled to an island in Indonesia. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable because I started thinking they must have had sex :(
Then he started saying. Oh and she is amazing at sex. She loves it. I started to try to say stop but could'nt talk. I held up my hands trying to say stop. He went on to say she takes it all. I could'nt talk so to stop him I spat in his face and punched him in the face but my punch was very week. I had no strength. I said she is my girlfreind.
His face changed to one of sympathy and sorro. He said he was sorry. That he did'nt know.
I walked away. I was feeling terrible. Worthless. Confused. Torn by an inner animal feeling of anger that she had sex with my freind and the logic that it was before me so it does not matter. I was feeling extremly disturbed, intense, sad and angry.
To enter into a relationship means risking something. It opens me to potential pain. I will be exposed to the possibilty of extreme pain. Emotional pain which is more painful than any possible physical injury and I am at the mercy of another person. I am not in control of preventing that pain coming to me. I am in the hands of another.
So not start a relationship to avoid the possibilty of emotional pain? This seems an impossibilty to me, I want romantic love in my life. It seems I must love. But loving someone puts me at risk of extreme pain. But that pain passes in time. But is does leave a permanent scar.
It was my girlfreinds birthday. I had met her at a type of backpackers place that she was staying at. She left to get something or do something and I waited for her return. I was feeling good.
As I was waiting other guys started turning up. It seems also waiting for her to wish her happy birthday. One of the guys that seemed to be waiting for her was an old friend of mine from France who I had met backpacking.
I was talking to him. I had not yet told him that this girl was my girlfriend. Then he started to tell me how he knew her. About how he and her had travelled to an island in Indonesia. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable because I started thinking they must have had sex :(
Then he started saying. Oh and she is amazing at sex. She loves it. I started to try to say stop but could'nt talk. I held up my hands trying to say stop. He went on to say she takes it all. I could'nt talk so to stop him I spat in his face and punched him in the face but my punch was very week. I had no strength. I said she is my girlfreind.
His face changed to one of sympathy and sorro. He said he was sorry. That he did'nt know.
I walked away. I was feeling terrible. Worthless. Confused. Torn by an inner animal feeling of anger that she had sex with my freind and the logic that it was before me so it does not matter. I was feeling extremly disturbed, intense, sad and angry.
To enter into a relationship means risking something. It opens me to potential pain. I will be exposed to the possibilty of extreme pain. Emotional pain which is more painful than any possible physical injury and I am at the mercy of another person. I am not in control of preventing that pain coming to me. I am in the hands of another.
So not start a relationship to avoid the possibilty of emotional pain? This seems an impossibilty to me, I want romantic love in my life. It seems I must love. But loving someone puts me at risk of extreme pain. But that pain passes in time. But is does leave a permanent scar.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Together
I just finished watching a Chinese movie called "Together". I had no idea what it was about when I started watching it. I just turned on the TV and it started and it caught my attention because it was based in China and I was wondering if it was from Shanghai which is where my Father grew up.
It was about a boy and his dedicated Father (who turns out not to be his natural Father) and the love between them and their honesty and goodness in a not always honest and good world. At the end of the movie I couldn't help but cry. The movie was so moving.
I now wonder why I cried. Do I relate to the boy or the Father or both? Or are the boy and the Father objects/symbols/tools to express the thing that really moved me which is love. Is love a chemical reaction in the brain? a movement of electrons causing an emotion? Or is it something that is like a spirit that moves in us and around us and connects with other spirits in and around others?
This spirit of love controls us in an unconscious way making us do things we do not understand, things that are illogical like crying over a movie. Doing things that dedicate us to our children and family and if we find the right person our lover.
We travel around the world for love. We work for love. We do everything for love. Love is the most powerful force in this world. We can touch it and see it and feel it in our interactions with our loved ones.
I suppose I could see love and feel love in the movie and that's why I cried.
It was about a boy and his dedicated Father (who turns out not to be his natural Father) and the love between them and their honesty and goodness in a not always honest and good world. At the end of the movie I couldn't help but cry. The movie was so moving.
I now wonder why I cried. Do I relate to the boy or the Father or both? Or are the boy and the Father objects/symbols/tools to express the thing that really moved me which is love. Is love a chemical reaction in the brain? a movement of electrons causing an emotion? Or is it something that is like a spirit that moves in us and around us and connects with other spirits in and around others?
This spirit of love controls us in an unconscious way making us do things we do not understand, things that are illogical like crying over a movie. Doing things that dedicate us to our children and family and if we find the right person our lover.
We travel around the world for love. We work for love. We do everything for love. Love is the most powerful force in this world. We can touch it and see it and feel it in our interactions with our loved ones.
I suppose I could see love and feel love in the movie and that's why I cried.
Mahatma Gandhi
I was sitting in a cafe having an ice cream with my daughter yesterday and I noticed a poster on the wall. It said that happiness happens when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony. The words were by Mahatma Gandhi and I think they are very wise words.
Monday, July 20, 2009
It Seems We Do Not Change
It seems we do not change. I am now 39. I found some more writing scribbled in an old school book that I wrote when I was 16 years old.
The words are pretty much the same as I write today. It seems I have always seen myself as struggling against some difficult circumstance. In truth it is a struggle against myself.
I could sum up the parts of myself that I have always struggled with as fear and lethargy. In the past I have incorrectly labeled them as external challenges imposed on me, with the current external challenge being my ex-wife. The truth is though that the only thing between me and the best possible life I can live is myself.
The words I wrote back then in that school book were:
"Your life you can make it what you want. Don't waste time, life doesn't last forever. Don't be lonely. Always have someone. Be with someone who makes you feel good. Love is the maximum, always look for it. Time is all you've got. Do what you want, make yourself into what you want to be. Don't talk about it do it. Don't be so scared of dying that you never learn to live."
What I need to say to myself is that "I am in control of my life!!" again and again like a mantra. I will make it a prayer like the Muslims praying 5 times a day. Maybe that way I can change my internal way of thinking and be brave and make the most I possibly can of this short life.
The words are pretty much the same as I write today. It seems I have always seen myself as struggling against some difficult circumstance. In truth it is a struggle against myself.
I could sum up the parts of myself that I have always struggled with as fear and lethargy. In the past I have incorrectly labeled them as external challenges imposed on me, with the current external challenge being my ex-wife. The truth is though that the only thing between me and the best possible life I can live is myself.
The words I wrote back then in that school book were:
"Your life you can make it what you want. Don't waste time, life doesn't last forever. Don't be lonely. Always have someone. Be with someone who makes you feel good. Love is the maximum, always look for it. Time is all you've got. Do what you want, make yourself into what you want to be. Don't talk about it do it. Don't be so scared of dying that you never learn to live."
What I need to say to myself is that "I am in control of my life!!" again and again like a mantra. I will make it a prayer like the Muslims praying 5 times a day. Maybe that way I can change my internal way of thinking and be brave and make the most I possibly can of this short life.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Home
I left my childhood home 18 years ago and have now returned.
I have lived away from home for almost as long as I have lived at home. There is no place like home and there is no-one like my Mum. It is so great to reconnect with the place of my childhood and to reconnect with my Mum.
She is an incredibly warm, soft and strong person. There will be an emptiness in my heart and my life when she eventually dies. Hopefully that will not happpen for a very very long time. But it is great to have this opportunity to really get to know my Mum again and for my children to really get to know their Nan. These are precious times. All time is precious.
I returned home once before for 6 months after my dad passed away. My childhood home is a refuge, a place where I can feel safe and secure and rebuild myself in a world that has greatly changed for me.
There is something here in my childhood home. It is not just wood and bricks. I can not describe it yet but this house is part of me. I am part of it, along with brothers and sisters and my Mum and Dad.
I want to give my children what I have. A home, a place where they will always feel safe and secure and a place where they can rebuild themselves again when the inevitable tragedies of life happen to them. They can be away from home but always know that their home is there ready to heal them at anytime.
I have lived away from home for almost as long as I have lived at home. There is no place like home and there is no-one like my Mum. It is so great to reconnect with the place of my childhood and to reconnect with my Mum.
She is an incredibly warm, soft and strong person. There will be an emptiness in my heart and my life when she eventually dies. Hopefully that will not happpen for a very very long time. But it is great to have this opportunity to really get to know my Mum again and for my children to really get to know their Nan. These are precious times. All time is precious.
I returned home once before for 6 months after my dad passed away. My childhood home is a refuge, a place where I can feel safe and secure and rebuild myself in a world that has greatly changed for me.
There is something here in my childhood home. It is not just wood and bricks. I can not describe it yet but this house is part of me. I am part of it, along with brothers and sisters and my Mum and Dad.
I want to give my children what I have. A home, a place where they will always feel safe and secure and a place where they can rebuild themselves again when the inevitable tragedies of life happen to them. They can be away from home but always know that their home is there ready to heal them at anytime.
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