Thursday, September 24, 2009

What is love?

The eternal question. I have felt many types of love. I have felt a recent romantic love. A love without commitment or risk. Now I am heading towards love with committment and it scares me. I will be putting myself at risk. But I am driving the direction. Why am I heading for this when it is so scary? Does it need to be scary? Yes otherwise you are not really living. Too put my heart in the hands of another. I said I will not do this. I can give love without giving my heart? To give my heart would make me vunerable.

Standing in the way of myself

Am I standing in the way of myself doing all the things in my life that I want to do? Why? Why have such commitment to others? Why not be more sellfish?

Nightmare of Jelousy

I just woke from a nightmare.

It was my girlfreinds birthday. I had met her at a type of backpackers place that she was staying at. She left to get something or do something and I waited for her return. I was feeling good.

As I was waiting other guys started turning up. It seems also waiting for her to wish her happy birthday. One of the guys that seemed to be waiting for her was an old friend of mine from France who I had met backpacking.

I was talking to him. I had not yet told him that this girl was my girlfriend. Then he started to tell me how he knew her. About how he and her had travelled to an island in Indonesia. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable because I started thinking they must have had sex :(

Then he started saying. Oh and she is amazing at sex. She loves it. I started to try to say stop but could'nt talk. I held up my hands trying to say stop. He went on to say she takes it all. I could'nt talk so to stop him I spat in his face and punched him in the face but my punch was very week. I had no strength. I said she is my girlfreind.

His face changed to one of sympathy and sorro. He said he was sorry. That he did'nt know.

I walked away. I was feeling terrible. Worthless. Confused. Torn by an inner animal feeling of anger that she had sex with my freind and the logic that it was before me so it does not matter. I was feeling extremly disturbed, intense, sad and angry.

To enter into a relationship means risking something. It opens me to potential pain. I will be exposed to the possibilty of extreme pain. Emotional pain which is more painful than any possible physical injury and I am at the mercy of another person. I am not in control of preventing that pain coming to me. I am in the hands of another.

So not start a relationship to avoid the possibilty of emotional pain? This seems an impossibilty to me, I want romantic love in my life. It seems I must love. But loving someone puts me at risk of extreme pain. But that pain passes in time. But is does leave a permanent scar.