Monday, July 20, 2009

It Seems We Do Not Change

It seems we do not change. I am now 39. I found some more writing scribbled in an old school book that I wrote when I was 16 years old.

The words are pretty much the same as I write today. It seems I have always seen myself as struggling against some difficult circumstance. In truth it is a struggle against myself.

I could sum up the parts of myself that I have always struggled with as fear and lethargy. In the past I have incorrectly labeled them as external challenges imposed on me, with the current external challenge being my ex-wife. The truth is though that the only thing between me and the best possible life I can live is myself.

The words I wrote back then in that school book were:

"Your life you can make it what you want. Don't waste time, life doesn't last forever. Don't be lonely. Always have someone. Be with someone who makes you feel good. Love is the maximum, always look for it. Time is all you've got. Do what you want, make yourself into what you want to be. Don't talk about it do it. Don't be so scared of dying that you never learn to live."

What I need to say to myself is that "I am in control of my life!!" again and again like a mantra. I will make it a prayer like the Muslims praying 5 times a day. Maybe that way I can change my internal way of thinking and be brave and make the most I possibly can of this short life.

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