Choking on Wealth

The west is choking on its own wealth with obesity and depression becoming prevalent. The wealth is enabled by a global slavery hidden from the fat consumers by distance and oceans and self gaurded semi conscious ignorance. The perpetual energy for the system powered by perceptions of status and selfish greed.

Fat Aussie Chicks

It was the first really hot day of spring and I took the kids down to a popular sheltered beach. There many many people on the sand and in the water and I was amazed that nearly everyone was fat. From small children to the elderly. They moved so awkwardly until they were in deep enough water to float their heavy bodies.

Ooooommmmm

A new thing I tried today was Yoga in a nice city park. Previously I had almost been a closet yogi. But today I even carried my Yoga mat through the city with the other students. Maybe it felt a little similar to a Yoga Pride march. I almost even felt comfortable enough to sound the oooommmm with the teacher and 1 or 2 other students.

Verge of Happiness

Now that I have my mind, body and spirit I feel that I am on the verge of a much greater happiness.

Team Effort

Thankfully in my family, life is a team effort. These last few years I feel that I have been contributing less to the team than I have been receiving.

Family

The depth of my family's warmth and love and pleasures from the simplest things continues to astound me but never surprises me.

Saving

All my life I have been saving for something in the future but I seemed to have forgotten what that something is. It reminds of a saying I once heard which goes something like this "I spent my life climbing the ladder and when I have reached the top I realised that I was on the wrong ladder."

Tran Hung

Tran Hung climbed awkwardly in sparkling stilettos up the steep stairs of the Saigon nightclub. His wide flat village feet sculptured from a life of barefooted work and play with water buffalo and chickens and climbing coconut trees in muddy rice fields.

Henry

Tonight I heard that Henry has passed away. May all the love and happiness he gave to this world be returned to him in the next.

No Need to Resolve

Trouble sleeping for the second consecutive night. Many unresolved personal and work issues whizzing around in my head seeking resolution. I feel like a robot with too many unresolvable issues to solve waving its arms madly like in "Lost in Space" saying "Does not compute........ does not compute...........does not compute......." until it emits smoke and sparks and shuts down.

I am trying to calm my mind by telling it to accept that not all issues can be resolved, well not right now at least, and if they can be resolved it will happen at the appropriate time and is best achieved with a calm mind.

Also to accept calmly that resolved issues often unresolve themselves and new issues will continually arise. It is simply the nature of life.

Henry

His wide bony shoulders the only remnants of this once wide set heavily built man. His fragile skeleton held precariously together by unseen frayed tendons and worn cartilage. He moved along the ageing suburban footpath at a rate of one small step every minute or so. His walking stick keeping him upright.

"Henry?" I called from a slight distance so as not to startle him and with a questioning tone, not sure if this was the man I remembered from my childhood. As I approached he lifted his head and dark skin sagged from his skeleton face. He peered at me through his thick glasses and smiled and said "Hello handsome". I smiled back.

Beautiful Day Number 9551

When I am surfing by myself I often seem to sing "Time for a Cool Change" by The Little River Band

Do Not Feel Afraid

Do not feel afraid my child spirit. I will care for you. I am returning to you and can look after you now. My greatest happiness can be through you. I am you. I love you.

Happiness

Laugh

When I think back I laugh at how stupid I was. In the future I will laugh at how stupid I am now.

The Bar

The bar was full of smiles and soul music. Her smile shone extra brightly, fuelled by her insanity.

Beautiful Day Number 9347

I sit on my board looking out to sea feeling a cool very light breeze on the side of my face. The water is clear and I can see the reef and small fish below me. A small nice little swell moves towards me. I turn and paddle and I'm up. I glide across the water, the beautiful reef below and above a blue sky with white clouds crafted by a master artist. I am in paradise. I am too lucky.

A Prayer for You

Bubble Boy

The Oasis

The Desert

Can You See Your Rainbow?

Driving my children to school this morning we saw a brightly coloured rainbow. As we drew closer we could see the end of the rainbow lighting up a house in beautiful rainbow colours. As we continued to get closer the rainbow faded away. I thought to myself that the people in the house would have had no idea that the rainbow was shining on them.

Perhaps from another's perspective the rainbow was now shining on us. We can never see a rainbow shining on ourselves with our eyes.

I thought about rainbows and their connotations of happiness and beauty and a sense of blessing and luck. I thought how chasing rainbows maybe like chasing happiness. Rainbows seem to shine on others and as we chase those rainbows they stay in the distance or fade away.

I thought perhaps rainbows are always shining on us and happiness is always within us. To see the rainbow however we must look within and to feel happiness we must look within.

All we are and can be is inside us. By chasing other's rainbows we are running away from ourselves and in doing so we are running away from the only place we can truly find happiness.

Unchanging Spirit

My mind and body grows and matures and ages. My spirit is a white light. My spirit is unchanging and unchangeable. My spirit is me. It is what it is from the moment of conception until death, and perhaps infinitely before and after.

Last Night's Dream

A small old house with a small front yard just large enough for two graves. On one side was my Father's Father's grave who had died 50 years before I was born. On the other side was my Father's Sister's grave who died around 10 years ago. I had only met her a couple of times when she was very old. She looked like a female version of my Father. Separating the two graves was a path leading to the front door of the house.

For some reason not in our control the house had to go and we had to move the graves. My Father who was standing with me had died 15 years ago. He made me feel some comfort as he always had despite this emotional task that we must undertake. Which involved me digging up his Father followed by his Sister.

I moved the flat smooth stones above my Grandfather's grave with a long handled spade. Carefully sliding the spade under the stones I lifted the stones exposing his bones like lifting an old slab exposing ant tunnels beneath.

I slid the spade under his skull and gently lifted it and placed it next the grave. Next was he rib cage and spine. I slid he spade under and lifted the bones and placed them next the skull. I was surprised by the stench and the mass of maggots squirming in his still decomposing back part of his chest.

I felt that I was being a little disrespectful by being slightly repulsed by the smell. I was also surprised that his body was still decomposing after so long.

I was then awoken by a noise.

The dream didn't feel like a nightmare. As always I feel comfort to dream of my Father. I also had a nice feeling about dreaming of my Grandfather who I had never met but still admire even though I know almost nothing about him.

I believe the dream was about me moving on in my life. The spade related to some gardening I had done at my house the day before to get it ready for sale. The still decomposing body related to the unpleasantness that still needs to be gone through before moving on and that I should not let that unpleasantness spoil my appreciation of what has already been a good life.

Behaviour, Thoughts and Feelings

I must have read it somewhere but had forgotten it. An idea that particular behaviours result in particular thoughts which in turn result in particular feelings. In theory therefore we can control our feelings because we can control our behaviour.

Conversely we have no control over how we feel if we believe that we are at the mercy of random feelings that seem to enter us without invitation. This is a scary situation if we believe this.

I believe we have control to an extent but with a bit of time lag. We often find ourselves feeling down but often we can quite quickly fix that.

Anyway this was something that came to my mind this morning when I was feeling "down".

Then this afternoon I took the kids rollerskating. We had a fantastic time and I felt so happy. We went to the "Rollerdrome". Their claim to fame is that they have been operating for 30 years. The place is so retro. But not the cool, clean, artificial retro. Its retro because there have been no upgrades or renovations for 30 years. That's the kind of retro I like.

There were great photos on the walls of skaters with trophies from the 80's. There also seems to be a rollerskating style of music which is so cool (while your rollerskating anyway). There were so many different people of all abilities and inabilities and styles and ages ranging from 4 to maybe nearly 80! Everyone had smiles on their faces. It was so much fun and I was feeling so "up". Such a contrast to how I was feeling in the morning.

After rollerskating we ended a great day by playing tennis.

Possession and Jealousy

Entering a relationship. Do you begin to see your woman as a possession to be jealously guarded? Do you worry that your woman is faithful to you? How can you enjoy your woman if you have feelings of mistrust? Our experiences from the past teach us about what may happen in the future. What if the previous experience teaches you mistrust? There can be no point in a relationship if there is mistrust because you would be less happy than being single. Can being in a relationship result in greater happiness than being single? Do the complications of a relationship outweigh the occasional feelings of loneliness of being single? The answer is I do not know. A solution can be to never enter a relationship. Another solution would be to be open to a relationship in the knowledge that you will not be dependent on that relationship for happiness and that you can end the relationship if it is not resulting in greater happiness than being single.

A Melancholy Joy

Heavy dark clouds hanging above the ocean are gently but relentlessly being pulled downwards, stretched in hazy dark arcs. Little white fluffy clouds float playfully and effortlessly above the land. Above me the narrow blue sky stretches endlessly along the shoreline.

I sit on my surfboard in the glassy calm water between the large melancholy dark clouds and the joyous little white clouds. The cool water cleanses me. I paddle into a little wave. I glide along its surface. My body moves without instruction and I briefly enter a tube. I feel that I am playing with, and almost making love with natures energy as she reveals herself to me in brief pulses as the swells become waves.

I become surrounded by little circles as rain drops lazily land in the water around me. The rain drops momentarily attempt to bounce back to the sky, surprised by the strange feel of the ocean. They then contently descend again as they recall their beautiful place of origin.

I feel so lucky as nature shows me a new emotion of the blissful coexistence of melancholy and joy. My spirit feels at home and energised as I join with all the beautiful energy surrounding me.

Hello Spirit

My vehicle is my mind and body.
My spirit is me and I am the driver.
Love is my path and destination.

My spirit is good and happy.
My spirit can be hurt but always heals.
The white light of my spirit can never be altered.

I am aligning my mind, body and spirit for their greatest potential.
My body and mind are finite my spirit is infinite.
They are joined and they are apart. All is good.

Lovers and Fighters

Today was a big day for me because I had a mediation conference to settle financial assets with my ex-wife. It was a very interesting experience because it gave me such an insight into human characters. My ex-wife is a fighter and I am a lover. The fighter must feel they win the battle, in this case financial settlement. The lover acts from love and does not see a battle. The lover did not feel bad about getting less financially, the lover feels good that he knows he needs nothing. The lover feels lucky that he will always be surrounded by love and a little sad that the fighter will always be surrounded by fighting.

But this was not my darkest day and the darkest is probably yet to come

The rain drenched my cold skin as I rode my bicycle through the rain already late for work.

Sitting on the cold train platform I ponder how I could easily throw myself in front of the next express train rushing past as so many have done before me. It would be an easy end to this suffering. But my destiny, I hope is a long one. There will be much more suffering to endure and much more happiness to experience.

To give happiness to my children and to guide them to a happy life. Its what every parent wants and I am alive and can do it. I also must remember that I can not make them happy if I am not happy. I could only give them safety and a calm logic. They would benefit from more and so would I. What a lovely symbiotic relationship of happiness.

Old faces on the train. What are the memories behind them? What are the memories you want behind your old face? Obviously as much happiness and love as possible. ( Diary entry July 2008)

The World is Beautiful

Sometimes it doesn't seem to be. But it is :)

More to Learn

I feel strangely contented by the realisation that there is more to learn than could ever be learned.

Healing Air

I inhaled heavily through my nostrils. I tasted the fresh air as it entered me and spread throughout my mind and body healing every cell. I felt at home amongst the Kangaroos, birds and lizards.

Utopia

The world has all the ingredients to be a Utopia. The problem is us.

Dawn

Fantastic waves and a beautiful dawn.

Dawn

Dawn near Cowarumup Bay this morning.

Life

Children are so full of life. Lets do our best to make it beautiful for them.

Bones in Heaven

As I was waking up this morning my 7 year old son asks me "Do we have bones in Heaven?" He obviously thought if our bones remain in the ground how could they go to Heaven? I said "mmmmm I'm not sure. That is a good question." He comforted himself by saying that "even if we don't have bones he does'nt think we would be all floppy."

Lucky Dog

My mums dog (named Lucky) has only had three legs for many years now. She is always happy, content and loving and never bitter. She also never worries about "What if I lose another leg?"

Hotel California

A loud Australian voice behind me shouted "If she asks you to buy her a drink tell her to fuck off!!!"

I turned in my bar stool and saw a thin middle aged Pakistani looking man. His pointy rat face with greasy course black hair looked sinister and deviant. His long arrow of a nose divided his greasy overgrown moustache.

Could the voice had been his? I expected a cruel whispery voice from such a man. If it was him who was he talking to? Not the red lipsticked Indonesian girl sitting next to him with fatty flesh squeezing from her tiny red dress.

Smooth soft spider legs rubbed against mine. I turned to see a pretty face with eyes that had the power to see the strong primal sensations she was sending through me. Hotel California played just loud enough for an excuse to talk closely.

My Birthday

Amazing luck!! I had a great time surfing Kuta Reef on my birthday. A few days later I was checking out the Baliwaves website and noticed that the surf report for 21 March was from Kuta Reef. I had a look at the photos from the report and many were of me!! This is one of those photos. The chances of being photographed for this very popular website on my birthday are just so incredible that I feel that some devine intervention must have been involved. I think about my father at times like these. If it was you thank you for the most amazing birthday present.

A Big Old Tree

Yesterday I was going to write "Am I enlightened? No way. But I am more enlightened than yesterday and yesterday I was more enlightended than the day before ..." But now the night before my 40th birthday I feel I do not know anything. I feel that I am like the weather. Endlessly drifting around the globe and constantly changing with no known purpose. At the mercy of chaotic influences from the solar system and beyond. How I long to be a big old tree. Firmly rooted to the ground and secure in my purpose of constant growth.

Tom Jones

While I was waiting in the customs line I noticed that Tom Jones was standing right next to me! I said how are you going? He smiled and said good.

A Horrific Ending

Its been more than 100 days since rain has touched the dry hot sands of Perth. One by one the tiny ant bodies succumb to dehydration and pass away. The once prosperous colony is slowly dying.

But then a long distance scout returns. As he lay exhausted and near death he speaks of a far off place of moisture. Hope quickly spreads though the colony.

Scouts and workers set off to the place of moisture. After 2 days the ants peer out of a narrow crack into a brightly lite room. Close to them is an immense shiny structure out of which an enormous drop of water is released every three seconds.

The ants trip over in excitement running to the water. Then too late they realise they are standing in the wrong position. The immense drop lands on two ants. One is immediately carried away in a torrent down a black hole. The other with the help of his friends manages to find grip on the slippery ceramic surface and is frightened but safe. They peer down the black hole but there is no sign of their friend.

There is no time to mourn. They quickly establish a supply route carting water back to the colony. Every few hours they loose tens of their friends as water gushes and giant hands sweep them down the black hole. This is a sacrifice they make without question for their colony.

Days pass and everyone settles into their new routine.

Then an unnatural looking container emitting a sweet smell is noticed next to the supply route. The same scout who found the water investigates. A jack pot of sugar is found with some granules so large that it takes ten ants to carry them. The delicious granules are quickly transported back to the colony for a feast worthy of a great celebration.

The smiling laughing faces soon turn to faces of horror as the screams of their friends pierce the laughter. Quickly the laughter is replaced with screams of agony. Ants are deliriously running around bumping into each other. Horrifically their tiny torsos are collapsing before death releaves them of the unimaginable pain.

The hero scout ate last. He looks out over the tens of thousands of tiny gnarled bodies. He falls to ground wanting death to quickly take him away from this horror. As he lay there the smell of rain enters his nostrils and he screams.

Strip Joint

After way too much beer I visited a strip joint with friends last night. The raw basic interplay between man and woman was very interesting. The women hypnotised the men into giving them money using sensual rhythmic movements. I'm quite sure these women then used the money to buy their sparkly impossible to walk in shoes which were never removed. A neat little cycle of supply and demand.

A Falling Star

Tonight I saw a falling star. I wished for happiness for all.

Peace and Happiness

Peace and happiness will come and go and return. I was quite amazed how at 12pm today I was feeling so good. Deeply inhaling the energising clean ocean air as I returned to harbour in my dinghy after a successful morning of fishing. By early evening my pleasant world was rattled after visiting my previous neighbour next door to the house I own with my ex wife. A druggie was watering the dead lawn I had once carefully levelled and made green. He incoherently expressed his dismay that his girlfriend (my ex wife) had been hiding out for the last few days. He told me not to worry about the house his mate will look after it. It shouldn't burn down. Luckily I do not need the material possessions I have earned in what seems like a previous life to be happy. I just need the ocean air and for my kids to be safe. Peace and happiness returns.

The Childrens Ward

I am watching a documentry about victims of landmines. I will try to appreciate my life much more.

Can't Sleep

I can't sleep because I am pissed off and that is making more pissed off. I had a belief that when you are pissed off it is actually derived from being pissed off about a failing in yourself incorrectly directed to some other external event.

I have also viewed anger as a negative emotion that should be ignored and replaced with a positive emotion. I have also rationalised the situation like "at least you have your health........ it could be much worse ....etc".

But fuck, there are simply evil, stupid, selfish people in this world that its seems justifiable to hate. I am also pissed off that they can invade my mind with negative thoughts of anger and hatred. Also there are terrible injustices in this world that justify anger.

I know these feelings will pass but I want them to pass more quickly. I am hoping that expressing them on this blog will help them pass more quickly and allow me to sleep and return to my normally pleasant and interesting dreams.

Monopoly Of My Life

If my life were a game of Monoply the last card I drew would have said "Your wife becomes a drug addict. Give her all your money and return to Old Kent Road and stay there."

I Am Tiny I Am a Giant

It is strange how being in an immense Tokyo crowd or alone on an isolated beach in Western Australia both give me a sense of my minuteness in time and space and yet also my enormity in the worlds of my children. I can not simply disappear into the crowds or the sands.

Honourable Japan

I recently returned from a trip to Japan. There are many great things to say about Japan but I think the greatest thing is the culture. The people of Japan are so good and honourable and respectful. Although the cities are endless masses of concrete with enormous populations and we sometimes walked late at night from train stations in long underground walkways, I never once felt the slightest concern for our safety. Big city does not equal dangerous city.

My 8 year old daughter beautifully described the masses of people descending the stairs of a train station as an "avalanche of people". The greater metropolitan area of Tokyo has a larger population than the whole of Australia!